I found nothing bad in this bid. Maybe some stylistic things in English language which made me not understand what you said immediately, but other than that the bid is OK.
Now, what you will realize that winning bid does not exist. As simple as this. Sometimes clients want long bid, sometimes short, sometimes they don't even read cause they had bad experience with guys from your region, etc. We as bidders don't know this background so the best is to create original bid (not copy/paste) and try to guess what this client wants in this bid.
I have won projects with 2-page long bids, but also with bids like "I made similar project. Check it: URL. Let me know if you're interested". Even more, I have won dozens of projects like this.
A few days ago I read that winning the project on sites like odesk/elance means that you have to send dozens of bids to win a few of them. Of course, this does not mean spam bids or begging bids, but quality ones.